Today’s topic is called, “Do Your Eyes Light Up”. It was not my original thought but one that I like to share with all my patients who are parents (although it works on spouses as well). Tony Braxton came up with the name. The concept is: do your eyes light up when your child enters a room?
Think of how we all look at puppies and babies. Our eyes grow bigger, our mouth drops open and we present the look of utter joy on our face. Well, do your eyes light up when you see your child or teenager? Or are you so stressed or annoyed that you barely acknowledge their presence?
This also works with spouses. I started doing this when our son was 1 year old. When we see daddy pull into the driveway and myself, the dog and our son, rush to the door to welcome daddy. Our eyes light up and we yell, “Daddy’s home.” Even if we do it 5 nights a week it still evokes a smile on his face. It makes me feel good to know I am making him feel good. I call it the rock star greeting. Try it at home…it works.
Nagging and Sex
The top complaints I get in couples therapy have to do with nagging and sex.
*The men complain that all the women do is nag and they don’t get enough sex.
*The women complain that the men don’t help out around the house and with the kids and that they are tired and not in the mood for sex.
Here are a couple of suggested solutions:
Work on how and what you say.
What is usually said:
I don’t understand why you can’t just take the trash out when it is full.
You never take the trash out and it really pisses me off.
Another way to say it positively:
It would really make me happy if you would take the trash out.
I feel so good when you help around the house like taking the trash out or helping with the kids.
Then if they take the trash out explain to the men that, “Did you know that when you help out around the house and with the kids I feel more relaxed and it makes me feel more flirty and want to have more SEX with you.” The penis always hears that word.
DON’T JUST ASK FOR MORE SEX, WORK FOR IT. HELP YOUR WIVES/GIRLFRIENDS LIGHTEN THEIR WORK LOAD. WHEN YOU HELP THE WOMAN OUT SHE FEELS MORE LUST TOWARD YOU. WHEN WE WERE DATING WE DIDN’T HAVE TO PICK YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR. WE UNDERSTAND THAT WE WILL HAVE TO PICK UP AFTER OUR CHILDREN BUT DON’T PRETEND YOU ARE ONE OF THEM. ITS NOT SEXY TO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOU ALL THE TIME THAT IS WHY WOMEN NAG.
YOU HAVE A GOOD DEAL OF POWER TO CHANGE HOW MUCH SHE NAGS AND HOW MUCH SEX YOU GET.
[podcast format="video"]http://askdrshannon.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/ADS-Choosing-the-Right-Partner.mp4[/podcast][ADS Choosing a Partner]
Dr. Shannon Scanlan of AskDrShannon.com discussing the different factors people should consider when Choosing the Right Partner to date or for marriage. For more great tips and advice, stay tuned and sign up for the Ask Dr. Shannon newsletter.
[podcast format="video"]http://askdrshannon.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/ADS-Catching-them-Doing-Right.mp4[/podcast][Catching Kids Doing Right]
Dr. Shannon Scanlan of AskDrShannon.com discusses an important component that needs to be included for raising emotionally healthy children, Praising them when they do things right. For more information, and for future updates sign up for the AskDrShannon newsletter.
Dr. Shannon Scanlan discusses “Sex in Relationships.” In this video, Dr. Shannon gives her thoughts on the different perspective that men and woman have when it comes to “sex in the relationship.”
Just a simple reminder from Dr. Shannon Scanlan to appreciate the little things.
“Enjoy Your Day!”
Children love when their parents ask them to help with adult activities. And by adult activities I mean the PG activities like setting the table or decorating the Christmas tree. When children are asked to help their parents it makes them feel important and helps increase their self esteem and feelings of self worth. Praise your children for any help they have given even if it looks ugly or creates more of a mess for you later.
Lets use the Christmas tree as in example in this discussion. Asking your children to help you decorate the Christmas tree makes them feel important and included in an important ritual surrounding Christmas. The challenge for parents here is to leave the tree looking however it looks when the children are done helping. This may be difficult for some of us parents who like to control everything, but it is worth having an ugly tree to make your child feel good. So, even if all the bulbs are in one spot, even if it looks horrible you need to leave it however they placed the ornaments.
Even if other parts of the tree are bare, children will feel better about themselves if you leave the decorations as they placed them. If you go back and rearrange the ornaments to look “prettier” you are nonverbally telling your children that they did not do a good enough job and therefore are not good enough and/or are inadequate.
Have a silly looking uneven tree for a few years and as visitors come to see it simply state, “Isn’t that the prettiest decorated tree you have ever seen? Jonny helped me put the decorations in the perfect places.” This will help to build their self-esteem and shows the world that you are a great parent because you put your child’s feelings ahead of looking perfect.
Who has the most influence in your life? Is it a friend, teacher or grandparent? In the psyche of many individuals, the little voice they hear is that of their mother or primary parent.
A mother has a great deal of power over her children. We heavily value our mother’s opinions, and from our first year of life we look at her face as a “social reference” of whether we should be scared of something or feel safe.
When a mother puts down or says negative things to her child she is chipping away a small piece of that child’s self-confidence. If you are a mother, when you find yourself getting upset, especially when you feel frustrated and overwhelmed, STOP. Take a deep breath and ask yourself how you want to make children feel about themselves in the long run. The way that you respond to them is even more important than what you say. You should try to make your words kind, even when reprimanding them, but more importantly you should be aware of how you respond.
Some other helpful, positive suggestions are:
The power of a mother or parent to help mold her children is undeniable. Raise your children to know that no matter what happens in their life, even if they make mistakes that their mother thinks they are perfect the way they are.
Dr. Shannon Scanlan
Parents when your children misbehave or get out of control, how do you communicate to them that they have misbehaved?
I have heard parents and guardians react to their children in ways that make my skin crawl. The worst one in my opinion is when parents tell their children that they are “A BAD BOY/GIRL.”
When a parent says something like that to their children they instill in the child a sense that they are bad children, and these words and phrases kill the child’s self-esteem. All kids act up and get out of control, mine does too, but when they act up next time ask yourself one question:
“Do I want to take this opportunity to teach them good behavior or do I just want to unload my anger and damage their self-esteem for life?”
Tell your children that their behavior specifically was bad, not that they are bad themselves and that you would like to help them make good choices. When they do make good choices PRAISE THEM A TON!!!
Do not call them a brat. Do not call them a devil child. Do not say they are ruining your day/life. In general, don’t express the negative, momentary feelings that you are feeling when you are frustrated with them. Many times this frustration is due to other factors or circumstances and has nothing to do with the fact that your kids are acting, like kids.
Try not to be mean to your children, because kids remember all that you say and they believe you. Remember, discipline is meant to teach, not to hurt.
Dr. Shannon Scanlan
Welcome to AskDrShannon.com.
A website created by Dr. Shannon Scanlan, PsyD., who loves to help people find an easier way to deal with the circumstances of the day when it comes to children growing up, and relationships with your significant other. AskDrShannon is a great resource for parents or parents to be, who are looking for information, answers to questions, suggestions and support from other parents experiencing the same things.
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